


The Newlywed Game

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: F/M, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: The never-written Season Seven script where Lenny and Squiggy want Laverne and Shirley to pretend to be their wives on a game show.
Comments: 35
Kudos: 4





	1. Scene A

**Author's Note:**

> Since _The Dating Game_ in this series aired live (unlike in the real '60s), _The Newlywed Game_ will, too.

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY  
"The Newlywed Game"

Written by Al Aidekman  


Produced by  
Arthur Silver  
Tony Marshall

A MILLER-MILKIS PRODUCTION  
In association with Garry Marshall

PRE-PRODUCTION DRAFT  
Sept. 9, 1981

_________________________________________

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY  
"The Newlywed Game"

CAST

LAVERNE DE FAZIO..........PENNY MARSHALL  
SHIRLEY FEENEY.................CINDY WILLIAMS  
LEONARD KOZNOWSKI.....MICHAEL McKEAN  
ANDREW SQUIGGMAN..........DAVID LANDER  
CARMINE RAGUSA..................EDDIE MEKKA  
FRANK DE FAZIO......................PHIL FOSTER  
RHONDA LEE..............LESLIE EASTERBROOK  
BOB EUBANKS.................................HIMSELF  
ANNOUNCER......................JOHNNY JACOBS  
FLOYD SULLIVAN................PAT CRANSHAW  
FLORENCE SULLIVAN...............NEDRA VOLZ  
AUTUMN SERENITY...............JERRY HOUSER  
SUMMER SERENITY...MAUREEN McCORMICK

SETS

INT. GIRLS' CALIFORNIA APARTMENT  
INT. STAGE SET OF "THE NEWLYWED GAME"

_________________________________________

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY  
"The Newlywed Game"

ACT ONE

A

INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM - EVENING

FROM STAGE RIGHT TO STAGE LEFT, LAVERNE, CARMINE, SHIRLEY, AND RHONDA ARE PLAYING MONOPOLY AT THE COFFEE TABLE. THEIR CLOTHES ARE TYPICAL OF WHAT THEY WEAR THIS SEASON, CA. 1966-67. RHONDA ROLLS THE DICE AND MOVES HER TOKEN, THE CAR, TO A NEW SPACE ON THE BOARD.

RHONDA  
Oo, Rhonda gets Community Chest!

SHIRLEY SHOOTS CARMINE AND LAVERNE A "DON'T SAY IT" WARNING LOOK.

RHONDA (CONT'D)  
(READING THE CARD AND FROWNING) "You have won second prize in a beauty contest." Who could possibly have come in first?

THE FRONT DOOR BURSTS OPEN. LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER, BIZARRELY DRESSED IN SUITS AND TIES THAT FIT AND ARE DRABLY COLORED.

SQUIGGY  
Hello.

LAVERNE  
Who died?

SQUIGGY  
These formal vestments and tiements are in calibration of our nuptiaries. (RHONDA LOOKS PUZZLED, AS SHE STILL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SQUIGGISMS.)

SHIRLEY  
You're having a double wedding?

CARMINE  
Who are the unlucky girls?

LENNY CLEARS HIS THROAT, GOES OVER TO LAVERNE IN THE CHAIR NEAREST THE DOOR, AND KNEELS.

LAVERNE  
Oh God, not again!

SQUIGGY  
Before you say no, let me make it clear that we are seeking brides purely for television purposes.

RHONDA  
(INTRIGUED) Oooh!

SQUIGGY  
Sorry, Rhonda, but I'm already spoken for.

LENNY  
Yeah, you see, we ran into Chuck Barris, the producer of _The Mating Game_ , which you might recall we was honored to appear on last year.

CARMINE  
With Squiggy's honey bleeped out? Who could forget?

SHIRLEY  
And I remember all the obscene phone calls we got.

LAVERNE  
They were kind of fun actually. Well, some of them.

SQUIGGY  
Well, that ain't gonna happen this time, because we told Chucky Baby that we made honest women outa the two dames we had our way with in the swan boat, so he invited the four of us to be on his new show, _The Truly-Wed Game_.

LAVERNE  
Uh, we ain't truly wedded, and we're not gonna be.

LENNY  
Couldn't you fake it for me? And the fabulous prizes?

SQUIGGY  
After all, you bopped and hopped with the Cunningham kid to win a TV that one time.

LAVERNE  
Yeah, but I wasn't pretending to even be going steady with him. And it wasn't like I was on TV.

SHIRLEY  
Wouldn't you boys have to show your marriage licenses?

SQUIGGY  
Nah, with our honest faces, he took our word for it.

LENNY  
Please, Laverne! You can have all the Rice-and-Roni and Turtle Wicks.

LAVERNE  
When is this?

LENNY  
Saturday night.

LAVERNE  
I could tell you I have plans, but I don't, and I know I'm going to regret this, but OK, on the condition that we get a "divorce" right after the broadcast.

LENNY  
Deal!

LENNY SPITS IN HIS HAND AND HOLDS IT OUT TO LAVERNE. SHE SIGHS, SHAKES HER HEAD, SPITS INTO HER HAND, AND SHAKES HIS HAND. 

SHIRLEY  
There is no way I'm going to be your wife, Squiggy, for television or any other purposes.

CARMINE  
Yeah!

SQUIGGY  
(GOING INTO ONE OF HIS SCENE-CHEWING RANTS) After all I've done for you, Woman! Jolting me at the altar boy! (MORE CALMLY) Well, Len, I guess we'll have to get out the client list and find someone petite (PRONOUNCED "pee-tight") to play Shirley Squiggman.

RHONDA  
(EAGERLY) Oo, Rhonda will do it!

THEY ALL LOOK AT HER IN DISBELIEF, SINCE SHE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY  
(TRYING TO PUT IT DELICATELY) Uh, Rhonda Dear, we're not exactly the same...height.

RHONDA  
(WITH DIGNITY) Rhonda is an actress. She can play anything.

SQUIGGY  
Great! You can play my wife Saturday night. 

CARMINE  
Since that's two days away, you all should practice here tomorrow night. 

LAVERNE GLARES AT HIM, RHONDA LOOKS DUBIOUS, AND THE BOYS RONNIE.

SHIRLEY  
(INDIGNANTLY) Not in my living room!

CARMINE  
Practice for the show. I'll come up with some typical questions and Rhonda can practice acting like you, Angel Face.

SHIRLEY  
I want you all to know that I am still morally opposed to all of this. However, I will keep score.

SQUIGGY  
I bet we score big!

HE AND LENNY RONNIE AGAIN, EXITING. LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD AND ROLLS THE DICE. 


	2. Scene B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The questions in this scene and later scenes are actual questions taken from 1967-68 episodes of _The Newlywed Game_ , although slightly reworded in some cases.

  
B

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT THE NEXT NIGHT

THE COUCH NOW HAS BEEN DIVIDED IN HALF BY SOFA CUSHIONS, FOR TWO "COUPLES": BOO BOO KITTY AND JEFFRY THE STUFFED IGUANA, AN EIGHT BY TEN GLOSSY OF FABIAN AND SHIRLEY'S PAINTING OF LAVERNE. TO STAGE LEFT OF THE COUCH, THE KITCHEN CHAIRS ARE PAIRED OFF. ON STAGE RIGHT OF THE COUCH, CARMINE AS HOST AND SHIRLEY AS SCORE-KEEPER ARE SITTING IN THE TWO ARMCHAIRS, WITH THE KITCHEN TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. HE'S WEARING A NICE SUIT AND TIE, WHILE SHE, IN PROTEST, IS WEARING JEANS AND A BOWLING SHIRT.

SHIRLEY  
Carmine, I can't believe you're encouraging them!

CARMINE  
Shirl, in all the years we've known Lenny and Squiggy, have they ever needed encouragement to do something stupid?

SHIRLEY  
Well, no, but this is fraud. And a mockery of the sanctity of marriage!

CARMINE  
Think about it, Shirl. This is Lenny and Squiggy. They couldn't possibly win. Especially not when they have to guess what their "wives" are thinking. And Laverne and Rhonda would have to read the guys' weird, little minds.

SHIRLEY  
I don't know. I think by now Laverne understands Lenny more than a somewhat normal human being should be able to.

CARMINE  
Yeah, but they won't know what to say on the romantic questions.

SHIRLEY  
Then why help them practice?

CARMINE  
Look at it this way, Angel Face. We humor them, and then tomorrow night everyone's out of the building, and we get the place to ourselves.

SHIRLEY  
(SOFTENING) Candlelight and a bottle of wine?

CARMINE  
Soft music.

SHIRLEY  
(SIGHING) How romantic!

THEY LEAN TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND ARE ABOUT TO KISS WHEN THE FRONT DOOR BURSTS OPEN. THE BOYS ENTER, DRESSED MORE THE WAY THEY USUALLY DO THIS SEASON, IN JEANS, WITH LENNY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT, SQUIGGY IN THREE LAYERS UP TOP: BLACK UNDERSHIRT, BLUE SHIRT WITH LIGHTER BLUE CIRCLES, AND CANDY-CANE-VERTICAL-STRIPED JACKET.

SQUIGGY  
Hello. Where are our balls and chains?

SHIRLEY  
(SIGHING MORE IRRITABLY) Trying on possible outfits for television.

SQUIGGY TAKES ONE OF THE MIDDLE EMPTY KITCHEN CHAIRS. LENNY GOES TO THE SIDE OF THE STAIRCASE.

LENNY  
(CALLING UPSTAIRS) Oh, Juliet, your Romulus is here!

LAVERNE (O.S.)  
Cool your jets! I'll be down in a second.

LENNY RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER GLEEFULLY AND GOES OVER TO SIT ON SQUIGGY'S RIGHT. LAVERNE EMERGES FROM THE BEDROOM A MOMENT LATER, WEARING A TYPICAL OUTFIT, L AND ALL, BUT WITH A VEIL THAT COVERS HER ENTIRE FACE. 

LENNY  
(NO LONGER GLEEFUL) Um, Laverne, you don't have to wear a bridle and veil.

SQUIGGY  
Yeah, the American viewing public is gonna wanna see your face, strange as that may be.

LAVERNE MAKES A FIST IN SQUIGGY'S DIRECTION, BUT SIGHS AND TOSSES ASIDE THE VEIL. SHE DESCENDS THE STAIRS AND SITS NEXT TO LENNY, WHO SMILES AT HER.

LAVERNE  
Where's Rhonda?

RHONDA (O.S.)  
Hi-ho!

SHE ENTERS IN AN EXAGGERATED VERSION OF A 1950S SHIRLEY OUTFIT, WITH A SCARF, A POODLE-SKIRT, ETC. SHE'S WEARING AN AUBURN BOBBED WIG AND HAS DONE HER BEST TO HIDE HER FIGURE. SHIRLEY'S FRIENDS ARE VERY AMUSED.

SHIRLEY  
(ANNOYED) Is that supposed to be me?

RHONDA  
Rhonda likes to fully embrace her parts.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY RONNIE. CARMINE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GETS TO HIS FEET. HE PICKS UP A BUNCH OF CUE-CARD-SIZE POSTERBOARDS.

CARMINE  
Please sit down, "Mrs. Squiggman."

RHONDA SITS NEXT TO SQUIGGY, WHO GRINS AT HER.

CARMINE (CONT'D)  
(AS HE WALKS OVER TO THE HUMAN "CONTESTANTS") To save time tonight, I gave the "spouses" their questions earlier and had them write the answers on these cards. On the actual show, you'll have to answer in front of the live studio audience and then a staff person writes your answers down. We're just gonna practice the rounds where the couples compare answers. And I'll skip the introductions, commercials, fabulous prizes, etc. This is just to get everybody comfortable with trying to think like each other.

LENNY  
I've been thinkin' like Squiggy for twenty years.

CARMINE  
Well, tonight and tomorrow you gotta think like Laverne.

LENNY  
Uh, can I have some milk & Pepsi then?

SHIRLEY  
(BEFORE LAVERNE CAN ANSWER) No.

LENNY LOOKS DISAPPOINTED. LAVERNE SHRUGS. CARMINE HANDS OUT THE SETS OF CARDS, FACE DOWN.

CARMINE  
(ON HIS WAY BACK TO HIS CHAIR) We'll also pretend that the other two "lovely couples" are giving their answers, but we won't spend time on that. Unless you wanna answer for Boo Boo Kitty, Shirl?

SHIRLEY  
Boo Boo Kitty would never marry an iguana, so, no.

SQUIGGY  
What if it was an iguana with money?

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.

CARMINE  
(SITTING DOWN) OK, let's get started. Sometimes it's the wives answering for the husbands first, and sometimes it's the husbands trying to figure out what the wives would say. Tonight we'll start with the girls' cards, which the guys have to match. This round is worth five points for each correct answer.

SQUIGGY  
How much for the uncorrect answers?

SHIRLEY  
You will be getting a big fat zero.

SQUIGGY  
Don't be bitter, Shirl, just 'cause you're the old housemaid in the room.

SHE GLARES AT HIM.

CARMINE  
(TRYING TO MOVE THIS ALONG) Question Number One, Husbands, on a scale of one to ten, with Sophia Loren being a ten, where would you rank your wife's sex appeal? Squiggy, we'll start with you.

SQUIGGY  
Wait, is this Shirley's sex appeal, Rhonda's sex appeal, or Rhonda's sex appeal as Shirley?

CARMINE  
Uh, I guess the last one.

SQUIGGY  
Then definitely 3.1415926535897932....

LAVERNE LOOKS IMPRESSED BY HIS MATH, WHILE THE OTHER TWO WOMEN GLARE AT HIM.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)  
What? She's cute as Pi.

CARMINE  
Your wife said (AS RHONDA HOLDS UP HER TOP CARD TO REVEAL THE ANSWER) a five.

RHONDA  
I thought you were going to say what you think of Shirley as herself.

SQUIGGY  
Well, I was close.

CARMINE  
Lenny? Round numbers please.

LENNY  
So I gotta give a eight or a zero?

CARMINE  
I mean no decimals.

LENNY  
(STILL CONFUSED) Well, the number one is more skinny than round, but....

LAVERNE  
(HURT) You think I'm a one on a scale of one to ten?

LENNY  
No, I think you're a eleven, two ones.

LAVERNE  
(AMUSED BUT FLATTERED) Thanks, Len. (SHE HOLDS UP HER CARD.) I did say eight.

LENNY  
Darn!

CARMINE  
Boo Boo Kitty and Jeffry won that round, because he gave her a nine for her nine lives.

SHIRLEY SMILES AND STARTS WRITING DOWN SCORES.

SQUIGGY  
(INDIGNANTLY) This is blatant favoritasm and I won't stand for it.

LAVERNE  
You're sitting.

SQUIGGY  
(JUMPING TO HIS FEET) I won't sit still for this.

CARMINE  
Sit down, Squig. There are a lot more questions to go.

HE SITS BACK DOWN. RHONDA PATS HIS ARM IN A WIFELY MANNER.

CARMINE (CONT'D)  
Lenny, which of the two of you is definitely the sloppiest?

LENNY  
Hm, I gotta say Squiggy, 'cause his moths get everywhere.

SQUIGGY  
That is a label on my immatriculation! I'm neat as a pinhead!

CARMINE  
Lenny, I meant you or Laverne.

LENNY  
Oh. Wow, that's a tough one. See, Squiggy is sloppier than me.

SQUIGGY  
Am not!

LENNY  
OK, fine, I'm sloppier. But Laverne is definitely sloppier than Shirley. And then, am I tryin' to answer like me or like what I think Laverne thinks I think?

CARMINE  
Don't overthink it. The questions are only going to get harder.

LENNY  
Great. OK, I guess it's me.

CARMINE  
Sorry, Lenny, your wife said (AS LAVERNE SHOWS THE CARD) it's her.

EVERYONE BUT CARMINE AND LAVERNE LOOKS SURPRISED.

LAVERNE  
Well, I figure I'm tired from taking care of the baby all day, so you're dealing with the housework.

LENNY  
(TOUCHED) We had a baby?

LAVERNE  
Of course. A son. Pop is thrilled.

LENNY  
Leonard Kosnowski, Jr.!

LAVERNE  
No, Frank Leonard Kosnowski.

LENNY  
That's still wonderful. Oh, Laverne!

HE GIVES HER A BIG SIDE-HUG.

LAVERNE  
Careful, don't squash my cards.

CARMINE  
Uh, Squiggy? How about you?

SQUIGGY  
We ain't havin' no baby when we're still newlyweds! Shirley has been after me for years to marry her and give her babies, but just because she caught me don't mean I wanna be tied down that much.

RHONDA  
Rhonda is learning even more about you people than she did in the Truth Game.

CARMINE  
(TRYING NOT TO LOSE HIS PATIENCE) Squiggy, who is sloppier, you or Shirley?

SQUIGGY  
Shirley's a neat freak, everyone knows that.

RHONDA  
(SHOWING HER CARD) Rhonda knew that.

CARMINE  
Uh, Rhonda, can you try to get a little more into character?

RHONDA  
Oh, sorry, Rhonda got distracted. (SHE DOES AN ACTING GESTURE WITH HER HANDS IN FRONT OF HER FACE, HER EYES SHUT, AS IF PULLING DOWN A CURTAIN. WHEN SHE'S "SHIRLEY" IN THIS SCENE, SHE'LL SPEAK IN A SWEET, GIRLISH VOICE) Oh, Pookie Bear, we won that question!

SHE PUTS HER HEAD ON SQUIGGY'S SHOULDER. SHIRLEY HAS BEEN LISTENING TO ALL THIS WITH A MIXTURE OF AMUSEMENT AND ANNOYANCE.

SHIRLEY  
Actually, you're tied because Fabian correctly guessed that he's less sloppy than the painting of Laverne.

LAVERNE NODS AS IF THIS IS PROBABLY TRUE.

CARMINE  
Sure, whatever. Question Number Three....

LENNY  
What happened to Question Number Two?

SQUIGGY  
That was the sloppy seconds.

LENNY  
Oh, right.

CARMINE  
Squiggy, Question Number Three, which of the following types of girls were you most interested in when you were a bachelor: sexy, sophisticated, or sweet and innocent?

SQUIGGY  
Well, to be honest with you, Jim, I can call you, Jim, can't I?

CARMINE  
I'm Bob Eubanks, not Jim Lange.

SQUIGGY  
OK, this is your fantasy, Carmine. Bob, I have always liked the sweet and innocent type, like my little woman, right here. That's why I chose someone with sex appeal of approximally 3.1415926535897932....

SHIRLEY AND RHONDA GLARE AT SQUIGGY AGAIN, THE LATTER SHOWING SHE PUT "SOPHISTICATED."

CARMINE  
Uh, Lenny? Same question.

LENNY  
Finally an easy one! Sexy girls.

LAVERNE  
(HOLDING UP HER CARD, WHICH SAYS "SEXY") I know my hubby.

LENNY ENTHUSIASTICALLY KISSES HER CHEEK.

SHIRLEY  
The inanimate husbands got that one right, too. So Jeffry and Boo Boo Kitty are in the lead with fifteen points.

SQUIGGY  
(MUTTERING) This game is as fixed as Boo Boo Kitty.

CARMINE  
And our final question in this round, Husbands, what one man in your wife's past do you wish you could find out more about? First names only. Lenny?

LENNY  
No, I already know all I need to about me.

CARMINE  
No, Lenny, who that Laverne used to be involved with, do you want to know more about?

LENNY  
Gee, that's gonna be hard to narrow down!

LAVERNE LOOKS BOTH EMBARRASSED AND ANNOYED.

LENNY  
But if I gotta pick just one, it'd have to be Fonzie. Like, how does he do that thing with the jukebox? 

SQUIGGY  
I think it's all in the wrist. I'll show you next time we're at Cowboy Bill's.

NOW LAVERNE LOOKS AMUSED AND RELIEVED.

CARMINE  
Your wife said (AS LAVERNE SHOWS THE CARD) Derek.

LENNY  
(REMEMBERING) Oh yeah, you did almost marry him when you got stoned.

SHIRLEY  
You can't say that on television!

LAVERNE  
(IRRITABLY) Fine, if the question comes up, I'll say Lance.

RHONDA  
(AS HERSELF) Oo, who's Lance?

LAVERNE  
A midget Lenny and Squiggy fixed me up with.

LENNY  
I already know all about Lance, Laverne. I processed his information as the Len-o-Vac.

CARMINE  
Squiggy, who is the one man in Shirley's past you'd like to know more about?

SQUIGGY  
I would like to know how far exactly my sweet and innocent wife went with one Carmine Ragusa.

SHIRLEY  
OK, we're done.

CARMINE  
Not me, Squiggy, and no last names.

SQUIGGY  
Fine. I'll change my answer, although this is highly leaded and irregular. In that case, Bob, I'll have to say Ensign.

RHONDA  
(CONFUSED) Enson?

LAVERNE  
He means Ensign Benson. Did he have a first name, Shirl?

SHIRLEY  
Yes, but I'm not going to have Andrew Squiggman sully that good name on network television.

SQUIGGY  
(ANNOYED) Then what the hell do you want me to say, Woman?

SHIRLEY  
Not that I have a past, and not that I would want you to share it with strangers, but if you get this question and must provide an answer, I'm sure that Richie Cunningham would understand and be flattered.

LENNY  
(SCORNFULLY) That redhead kid couldn't even hit a jukebox.

SQUIGGY  
Aha, so there was a reason for that shotgun wedding!

CARMINE  
Rhonda, not that it matters at this point, but can you show your answer?

RHONDA HAS BEEN LOOKING CONFUSED, BUT SHE GETS BACK INTO CHARACTER.

RHONDA  
(AS SHE REVEALS HER LAST CARD) I said Fabian, the cutest rock star to ever walk the planet.

LAVERNE  
Boy, are him and my painting gonna have a fight in the car on the way home.

SHIRLEY  
No one won that question, and I find you all appalling.

SQUIGGY  
Thank you.

CARMINE  
OK, moving on to the next round. I asked the guys to write their answers for how they think their "wives" would answer. These are worth ten points each, with a bonus question worth 35 points at the end. First, Girls, which comes closest to your husband's reaction to a pretty girl in a public place when you're with him...?

BOTH LAVERNE AND RHONDA GET TO THEIR FEET. LAVERNE BITES HER HAND AND RHONDA MAKES KISSY FACES AND GRABS THE AIR WITH BOTH HANDS.

CARMINE (CONT'D)  
Uh, this is actually multiple choice and that's not on there.

LAVERNE/ RHONDA  
Oh.

THEY SIT BACK DOWN. 

CARMINE  
Laverne, does he stare openly, try to conceal his glances, or has he lost interest?

LAVERNE  
He stares openly.

LENNY  
(HOLDING UP HIS FIRST CARD, UPSIDE-DOWN) I've lost interest in other women since I met you, My Darling.

LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD.

CARMINE  
"Shirley"?

RHONDA  
(AS SHIRLEY) Well, he stares openly, but I think he thinks he's concealing his glances, so I guess I'll say that.

SQUIGGY  
(HANDING HER HIS TOP CARD) Well done, Shirl!

THEY HUG ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

LAVERNE  
(READING THE CARD THAT RHONDA'S NOW HOLDING OVER SQUIGGY'S SHOULDER) That says "congeal," with a G.

CARMINE  
(TURNING TO SHIRLEY) Judges?

SHIRLEY  
(WEARILY) Close enough.

SHE MARKS DOWN SCORES. RHONDA AND SQUIGGY LET GO, HE MORE RELUCTANTLY.

CARMINE  
The next question is another multiple-choice. Wives, your husband thinks you should definitely spend less time eating, shopping, or nagging? Mrs. Squiggman?

RHONDA  
(AS HERSELF) Definitely shopping.

SQUIGGY  
(IRRITABLY AS HE SHOWS THE CARD) I've told you a hundred times to stop nagging me, Woman!

RHONDA  
Rhonda does not nag.

SQUIGGY  
You ain't Rhonda, you're Shirley.

RHONDA  
Oh, oopsy! (SHE MAKES THE "GETTING BACK INTO CHARACTER" GESTURE AGAIN.)

CARMINE  
Mrs. Kosnowski?

LAVERNE  
(AS IF EVERYONE KNOWS THIS, WHICH THEY DO) Eating.

LENNY JOYFULLY SHOWS HIS NEXT CARD, AGAIN UPSIDE-DOWN. LAVERNE PATS HIS ARM.

LAVERNE  
Good job, Len.

HE GLOWS.

SHIRLEY  
(MUTTERING AS SHE WRITES DOWN SCORES) I don't nag.

CARMINE  
(NOT TOUCHING THAT) Ladies, what specific sport or game are you better at than your husband? Laverne, it's your turn.

LAVERNE  
Wow, it's hard to narrow down!

LENNY LOOKS BOTH EMASCULATED BY AND PROUD OF HER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)  
Um, let's say softball.

LENNY  
I don't play softball. That's for girls.

LAVERNE  
That's why I said it. Obviously I'm better at it than you if you don't play.

LENNY  
You don't know that.

CARMINE  
Uh, can you show the card, Len?

LENNY  
(HOLDING ANOTHER CARD UPSIDE-DOWN) Everyone knows what a great bowler you are, Laverne.

LAVERNE  
Oh, well, thanks.

CARMINE  
Squiggy, what did "Shirley" say?

SQUIGGY  
She said she don't nag, which we all know is a gross fabric-softener.

CARMINE  
I mean the Shirley sitting next to you.

RHONDA  
Wait, it's Rhonda's turn to answer as Shirley thinking like Squiggy.

CARMINE  
Sorry, go ahead.

RHONDA  
(AS SHIRLEY) Bob, I would say _The Newlywed Game_.

SQUIGGY  
(SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SHOWING HIS CARD) I'm better at all sports and games, but I humored the little woman by saying softball.

LAVERNE  
Wait, can me and Squiggy split the points on that?

SHIRLEY  
No!

SHE FURIOUSLY WRITES DOWN THE SCORES FOR THAT QUESTION. 

CARMINE  
OK, Question Number Four for this round, Ladies, what is the strangest thing you've seen him doing lately around your house or apartment?

BOTH LAVERNE AND RHONDA LOOK LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT.

SHIRLEY  
(SCOLDING) Carmine!

CARMINE  
That's a real question from the show, Shirl.

SHIRLEY  
Let's move on to the bonus question.

LENNY  
Wait, don't we gotta show our answers?

SHIRLEY  
I don't want to see that.

CARMINE  
The husbands can show the wives if the wives want to see them.

THE BOYS HOLD UP THEIR CARDS SO THE AUDIENCE CAN'T READ THEM. LAVERNE AND RHONDA LOOK OUT OF MORBID CURIOSITY. LAVERNE SEEMS BOTH DISGUSTED AND INTRIGUED.

RHONDA  
(CONFUSED) But wouldn't it fall off?

SQUIGGY  
That's what the honey is for.

RHONDA  
(NODDING SAGELY) Ohhh!

CARMINE  
OK, the bonus question is another multiple choice. Wives, which of the following words come closest to describing your husband as a sleeper: restless, lifeless, precious, or unpredictable? Laverne, how would you answer?

LAVERNE  
My hubby is precious.

LENNY  
(TOUCHED) Awww!

LAVERNE  
Was I right?

LENNY  
(SHOWING HIS LAST UPSIDE-DOWN CARD) No, I said restless 'cause I'm a lone wolf, and wolves don't sleep.

LAVERNE  
They have to sleep sometime.

LENNY  
No, they howl at the moon all night. And then they turn into Lon Chaney, Sr. in the morning.

SQUIGGY  
Lon Chaney, Jr.

LENNY  
Well, yeah, but Senior got the Curse of the Wolf Man first and handed it down to his kid.

CARMINE  
"Shirley," same question.

RHONDA  
(TRYING VERY HARD TO BE SHIRLEY) I think Andrew is very unpredictable, sleeping or awake.

SHIRLEY  
(GETTING TO HER FEET AND YELLING AT RHONDA) Are you crazy? He sleeps like the dead!

RHONDA  
How was Rhonda supposed to know? I've never slept with him.

SQUIGGY  
Yet.

SHIRLEY  
Well, neither have I!

SQUIGGY  
Yet.

RHONDA HITS HIM WITH DISCARDED CARDS AND THE OTHER TWO WOMEN JOIN IN, WITH LENNY TRYING TO PROTECT HIM. CARMINE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GOES OVER TO CONGRATULATE BOO BOO KITTY AND JEFFRY.


	3. Scene C

  
C

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT SATURDAY EVENING

THE FURNITURE IS BACK TO ITS USUAL ARRANGEMENT. LAVERNE AND LENNY ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, WRITING ON SHEETS OF PAPER. HE'S STRUGGLING AS IF THIS IS TOUGH HOMEWORK, WHILE SHE'S BREEZING THROUGH IT. LAVERNE SETS DOWN HER PENCIL AS IF FINISHING A POP QUIZ SHE WAS READY FOR, THEN NOTICES HE'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO DONE. 

LAVERNE  
Lenny, it's only a half-hour show, with commercials. You're gonna have to answer faster than this tonight.

LENNY  
(THROWING HIS PENCIL ACROSS THE ROOM IN FRUSTRATION) You're a tougher nut to crack than I thought, Laverne.

LAVERNE  
Well, I'm a woman of mystery in some ways. Come on, let's swap quizzes.

LENNY  
(HANDING OVER HIS PAPER) You know, Laverne, when you invited me over so we could be alone to practice being newlyweds, this ain't what I pictured.

LAVERNE  
Remember, Len, I'm only your wife on television.

LENNY  
Like Burns & Allen?

LAVERNE  
Uh, actually, Len.

LENNY  
Oh, right they did radio and movies first.

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD AND STARTS LOOKING OVER HIS PAPER.

LAVERNE  
OK, right here, Len, my first job wasn't babysitting. It was working at the Pizza Bowl.

LENNY  
But your pop didn't pay you when you was twelve.

LAVERNE  
(FROWNING) That's right.

LENNY  
I guess I do know you in some ways, Laverne.

THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND HAVE A LITTLE MOMENT, WHICH IS INTERRUPTED BY AN OFFSTAGE SNEEZE. THEY LOOK AROUND IN CONFUSION. RHONDA ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. SHE IS IN A RHONDA-VERSION OF A ROBE AND SLIPPERS AND CARRYING A BOX OF TISSUES. HER NOSE AND EYES ARE RED, BUT HER HAIR IS PERFECT. SO SHE IS A MIXTURE OF SICK AS A DOG AND GLAMOUR-PUSS.

LENNY  
Wow, Rhonda, you look awful! I mean good but awful.

LAVERNE  
You got a cold or somethin'?

RHONDA  
(NODDING AND WIPING HER NOSE DELICATELY WITH A TISSUE) I'm very sorry but Rhonda can't be on television tonight.

LAVERNE  
You're not just fakin' it to get out of having to be Squiggy's wife?

RHONDA  
No, I wanted to.

LENNY  
Well, who wouldn't?

RHONDA  
It would've been a wonderful acting challenge and given me a chance for national exposure.

LENNY STARTS TO BITE HIS HAND, BUT LAVERNE GIVES HIM A WARNING LOOK. 

RHONDA (CONT'D)  
But, well, I know it should be in sickness and in health, but, well....

SHE SNEEZES.

LAVERNE  
Keep your distance, Rhonda. I don't want you gettin' me and Lenny sick when we have a chance of winning this thing.

LENNY  
But what about poor Squiggy? He's gonna have to find another wife at the last minute.

SHIRLEY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH A BARDWELL'S SHOPPING BAG. THE OTHER THREE LOOK AT HER AND THEN EACH OTHER.

LAVERNE  
Shirley could be Shirley.

LENNY NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND RHONDA SNEEZES. SHIRLEY CROSSES TO THE LIVING ROOM. 

SHIRLEY  
(SHAKING HER HEAD AND DROPPING HER BAG ON THE COUCH) Oh, no, you are not railroading me into that! I've made plans with Carmine.

LENNY GOES TO HER AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE.

LENNY  
(TAKING HER HAND) Please do me the honor, Shirley Feeney, of being my best friend's fake wife on a television game show.

LAVERNE  
Yeah, Shirl, you know him better than some tramp off the street.

SQUIGGY ENTERS THE OPEN DOOR.

SQUIGGY  
Hello. Well, I talked to Chucky Baby and I prescribed my blushing bride as lookin' and actin' like Rhonda, so now you don't gotta worry about nothin', Bunny Buns.

HIS FRIENDS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE


	4. Scene D

ACT TWO

D

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT, TWO HOURS LATER

THE DOWNSTAIRS IS DARK AND A FIGURE IS LYING ON THE COUCH, COVERED UP WITH A BLANKET. CARMINE ENTERS QUIETLY THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

CARMINE  
(STEPPING INTO THE LIVING ROOM) Angel Face, did you fall asleep on our date night?

THE FIGURE SNEEZES, STARTLING CARMINE. HE TURNS ON THE LAMP, JUST AS RHONDA, STILL LOOKING VERY SICK, SITS UP.

CARMINE (CONT'D)  
Rhonda, what are you doing here? Where's Shirley?

RHONDA  
Filling in for Rhonda, on a different couch, in Hollywood.

CARMINE LOOKS UNDERSTANDABLY CONFUSED. RHONDA SNEEZES AGAIN. 


	5. Scene E

  
E

INT. THE '60s "NEWLYWED GAME" SET, SECONDS LATER

WE CAN SEE AT A DISTANCE THAT THERE ARE FOUR COUPLES ON THE LOVE-SEATS.

JOHNNY JACOBS (O.S.)  
From Hollywood, in color, here come the newlyweds!

THE LIGHTS COME UP AND A BIT OF THE WEDDING MARCH PLAYS AND THEN TURNS INTO THE "NEWLYWED GAME" THEME. AS J.J. CONTINUES, THE TWO HALVES OF THE SET SWING TOGETHER, WITH THE GUESTS ON STAGE RIGHT, REGULARS ON THE LEFT. 

JOHNNY JACOBS (CONT'D)  
Let's meet our couples for today. (WITH A CLOSE-UP ON THE COUPLE ON THE FAR STAGE RIGHT, WHO ARE A CUTE ELDERLY COUPLE, HE SHORT AND SKINNY WITH A MUSTACHE, SHE EVEN SHORTER, BUT PLUMP, AN APPLE DOLL OF A WOMAN) Couple Number One, this is lucky marriage number seven total for them. Married just four months, this time, Floyd and Florence Sullivan. (WITH A CLOSE-UP ON THE NEXT COUPLE OVER, WHO ARE CLEARLY HIPPIES WHO ARE TRYING TO PASS AS STRAIGHT) Couple Number Two met at a folk-rock concert when she volunteered to hold his harmonica. Married just one month, Autumn and Summer Serenity.

THE CAMERA SHIFTS OVER TO LENNY AND LAVERNE. HE IS WEARING THE OUTFIT HE WORE FOR "THE DATING GAME," SNEAKERS, BOW TIE, AND ALL. LAVERNE IS IN A LOVELY BUT SIMPLE SPAGHETTI-STRAPPED RED MINIDRESS WITH FAKE RED FLOWERS AT THE CENTER OF HER NECKLINE, THE L SMALL AND WHITE. THEY BOTH LOOK NERVOUS, HE MORE THAN HER. 

JOHNNY JACOBS (CONT'D)  
Couple Number Three met as children, on the playground, but they've been married only eight months. Meet Lenny and Laverne Kosnowski.

PAN OVER TO THE FAR STAGE LEFT, FOR SQUIGGY AND SHIRLEY. HE LOOKS SURPRISINGLY DAPPER, IN A CHARCOAL GRAY JACKET AND SLACKS, AN OATMEAL-COLORED VEST, A LAVENDER COLLARED SHIRT, AND A BLACK FLOPPY TIE. SHIRLEY IS WEARING A MID-LENGTH CURLY BLONDE WIG; A WELL-STUFFED, FRILLY GOLD BLOUSE; A TIGHT WHITE BELT; AND A TIGHT BLACK MINISKIRT. HER MAKEUP IS MORE LIKE RHONDA'S AS WELL. 

JOHNNY JACOBS (CONT'D)  
And our last couple have also been married eight months, although they met when she became a client at his talent agency. Meet Andrew and Shirley Squiggman. Those are our newlyweds for today, and here is our host, Bob Eubanks.

CUT TO BOB EUBANKS, DOING HIS BEST TO LOOK FIFTEEN YEARS YOUNGER.

BOB EUBANKS  
Thank you, Johnny. We'll be right back to see how well our husbands know their wives after this message.


	6. Scene F

F

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT, A FEW MINUTES LATER.

RHONDA IS SITTING UP ON THE COUCH, WHILE CARMINE IS IN AN ARMCHAIR, KEEPING HIS DISTANCE SINCE SHE'S SICK.

RHONDA  
...And that's why Shirley is pretending to be Rhonda pretending to be Shirley pretending to be Mrs. Andrew Squiggman.

CARMINE  
(SHAKING HIS HEAD) They'll never get away with this. It was pushing it to have you pretend to be Shirley, and you're an actress.

RHONDA  
Oh, you never know. And it's not like they'll win. Just consolation prizes. (SHE SNEEZES.)

CARMINE  
Poor Shirley. But I guess it's too late to do anything about it. I'd never get down to the studio in time, and I'd probably just get them into more trouble.

RHONDA  
I kind of want to watch, like a trainwreck.

CARMINE  
(SIGHING) We may as well.

HE TURNS ON THE TV. 

BOB EUBANKS (V.O.)  
Ladies, for five points, are you or your husband more likely to embarrass the other today?

CARMINE CROSSES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS AT RHONDA, WHO SHRUGS SHEEPISHLY.

RHONDA  
Well, the questions will get a lot harder. (SHE SNEEZES.)


	7. Scene G

  
G

INT. THE "NEWLYWED GAME" SET, SOON AFTER.

WE OPEN WITH A TWO-SHOT OF "THE SQUIGGMANS." 

SHIRLEY  
(IN "RHONDA" MODE, AS SHE WILL BE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE) Well, Bob, we're both pretty hard to embarrass, but occasionally Shirley, I mean me because I sometimes refer to myself in the third person, will get embarrassed over little things Andy does. So I guess I'll say him.

BOB  
(AS SQUIGGY SHOWS HIS CARD SAYING "HIM") That's correct.

SHIRLEY PATS SQUIGGY'S ARM. 

BOB (CONT'D)  
(OVER A TWO-SHOT OF THE SULLIVANS) Florence, who's more likely to embarrass the other today, you or Floyd?

FLORENCE  
Well, I've been married four times, so not much embarrasses me anymore, so I guess I'll say I'll embarrass him.

FLOYD  
(AS HE SHOWS HIS CARD SAYING "HIM") Now I'm embarrassed.

FLORENCE  
Sorry, Honey.

BOB  
(OVER A TWO-SHOT OF THE SERENITYS) Summer, what do you think your husband said?

SUMMER  
Well, embarrassment is just an uncool, outdated expression of emotion. Once our spirits are truly free, then we leave shame and embarrassment behind.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Um, OK. But if you had to pick one of you....

SUMMER  
(BACK TO THE SERENITY TWO-SHOT) I guess it would be me because I think everything he does is groovy.

AUTUMN  
(SHOWING HIS CARD) I did say her, but because I'm a modern man and in touch with my feelings, even of embarrassment.

SUMMER  
But according to our guru, true evolution is....

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Moving on to our last couple on this question. Laverne?

LAVERNE  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) Oh, definitely he'll embarrass me.

LENNY  
(SHOWING HIS "HER" CARD) I'm just kind of embarrassed to be on television. I humiliated myself last time.

LAVERNE  
Yeah, but now you're embarrassing both of us.

LENNY  
I'm sorry. Maybe I should just go home.

LAVERNE  
It's OK, Len, it's just the first question.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Girls, excluding people, what did your husband say is your most prized possession? Laverne, what do you value most?

LAVERNE  
(WITH KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) Wow, I dunno, I guess my L's?

LENNY GRINS AS HE SHOWS CARD WITH "HER L'S" ON IT. SHE GIVES HIM A PECK ON THE CHEEK, WHICH MAKES HIM GRIN EVEN MORE.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) OK, I may regret asking this, but since Lenny didn't explain, Laverne, what exactly are your L's?

LAVERNE  
(WITH KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT, STICKING OUT HER CHEST AS LENNY POINTS HELPFULLY) You know, my L's.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) I had to ask. Shirley, same question, maybe same answer.

SHIRLEY  
(WITH SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Shirley's most prized possession is her trumpet.

SQUIGGY  
Yeah, she's got a hell of a lip. (SHOWING HIS CARD) But I said Boo Boo Kitty.

SHIRLEY  
But Boo Boo Kitty is like a person.

SQUIGGY  
But he's (PRONOUNCING IT AS "INANE-IMATE) inanimate. We discussed this last night.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) OK, Florence, how would you answer?

FLORENCE  
(WITH SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) My false teeth. Just kidding. Bob, I'd have to say my sickle.

FLOYD SHOWS HIS CARD SAYING "MOTORCYLE." THEY HUG.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Lastly, Summer, what is your most prized possession?

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) Wow, I'm not, like, into materialism. Possessions are just an illusion. Like, we're not really here for the prizes but to spread a message of love.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Yes, your husband mentioned that. But he was able to come up with an object that has great meaning to you.

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) Oh, my Yoga mat! (AUTUMN SHAKES HIS HEAD AT THIS AND HER OTHER GUESSES.) My yogurt-maker? Our yurt?

BOB (V.O.)  
(AS AUTUMN SHOWS CARD SAYING "YIN-YANG NECKLACE") I'm sorry, you only get one answer per question. It did start with a Y though.

SUMMER  
(TO HUSBAND) Oh, Baby, you gave that to me! 

AUTUMN  
Yeah, I figure it's sentimental value, even if sentiment can be as big a trap as materialism.

THEY KISS.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Now the score is tied, with each couple having five points. Question Number Three, Wives, what one thing in the home doesn't your husband like the feel of? We'll start with you, Summer.

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) Well, you know, Autumn is really sensitive, so I guess I'd have to say the vibes from my mother.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Vibes?

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) You know, vibrations.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Your mother vibrates?

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
Is your mutter single?

SOUND OF SHIRLEY EXHALING IN ANNOYANCE. 

AUTUMN  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT, SHOWING HIS CARD) I was close. I said your mother's cooking.

SUMMER  
(NODDING SAGELY) Yeah, that does have a lot of bad karma.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Judges? I'm sorry, not close enough. All right, Laverne, what would you say?

LAVERNE  
(WITH KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT AND WITH UTTER CONFIDENCE) Linoleum!

LENNY SHOWS HIS CARD AND THIS TIME HE KISSES LAVERNE ON THE CHEEK. CUT TO BOB LOOKING LIKE HE KIND OF WANTS TO ASK BUT IS AFRAID TO. 

BOB  
Shirley, what one thing in your home doesn't Andrew like the feel of?

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
It's Squiggy.

BOB  
No, Andrew, you already answered this question.

SHIRLEY  
(WITH SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) My hubby prefers to be called "Squiggy" and he doesn't like the feel of, um.... (SHE TRAILS OFF THINKING OF ALL THE DISGUSTING THINGS THAT SQUIGGY ENJOYS THE FEEL OF. THEN, REALIZING TIME IS RUNNING OUT) Boo Boo Kitty?

SQUIGGY  
(SHOWING HIS CARD SAYING "CUTLERY") Don't be stupid, I love your pussy.

**STANDARDS & PRACTICES NOTE: We're letting a lot of things go here, but can that at least be changed to "pussycat"?**

SHIRLEY LOOKS EMBARRASSED, ALTHOUGH SHE'S TRYING TO REACT LIKE RHONDA WOULD.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) And last but not least, Florence, what one thing in your home doesn't Floyd like the feel of?

FLORENCE  
(WITH SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) Our bed.

FLOYD  
(NODDING AND SHOWING HIS CARD) Two many lumps.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Our final question in this round, Wives, what did your husband say is your favorite little way to pester him when he's just not in the mood?

FLORENCE  
(WITH SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) I take out my false teeth.

FLOYD  
(SHOWING HIS CARD THAT SAYS "TALKS WHEN HE'S WATCHING THE BALL GAME") No, that's how you get me in the mood.

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE. 

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Summer, what would you say?

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) I would never pester him, because his spirit must be free. And if the mood isn't there, you have to wait until the stars align.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) OK, again, I need some kind of answer here.

SUMMER  
(WITH SERENITY TWO-SHOT) I guess I practice my mantra.

BOB (V.O.)  
(AS AUTUMN'S CARD SHOWS THAT THAT'S CORRECT) Good job, five points. (AS WE SWITCH TO A KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) Laverne, what do you think Lenny answered?

LAVERNE  
(CONFUSED) When is he not in the mood?

BOB (V.O.)  
Well, he came up with an example.

LAVERNE  
He did? Um, I guess when he has a stomach ache. So then maybe I pester him with Bromo-Seltzer?

LENNY DOES A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE IN HIS CHAIR AS HE SHOWS THE CARD, THEN HE GIVES HER A QUICK HUG. 

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Nice going, Couple Number Three. And lastly, Couple Number Four.

SHIRLEY  
(WITH SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Shirley isn't sure how to answer that. She's a very desirable woman and Andy is very passionate.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) I can see that but somehow he also came up with an answer.

SHIRLEY  
(WITH SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) I guess sometimes he's tired from work and Shirley might, very occasionally you understand, nag him.

SQUIGGY NODS APPROVINGLY AS HE SHOWS THE CARD AND SHIRLEY TRIES NOT TO GLARE AT HIM. 

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) And at the end of this round, Lenny and Laverne are in the lead with fifteen points, but the other three couples are tied for second and trailing by only five points. Next we'll have the wives answer how they think their husbands will, for ten points each question, so it's still anybody's game. After a word from our sponsor....


	8. Scene H

H

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT, A FEW MINUTES LATER.

RHONDA IS STILL ON THE COUCH WITH THE BLANKET AND BOX OF TISSUES. CARMINE IS COOKING SOMETHING IN A POT AT THE STOVE.

CARMINE  
(GRUMBLING TO HIMSELF) I could've invited Shirley up to my place this afternoon, but no. I had to plan a romantic evening in Grand Central Station.

RHONDA  
Did you say something, Carmine?

CARMINE  
I said your chicken soup will be ready in a minute.

RHONDA  
Thanks, Carmine. Oo, hurry up or you'll miss the boys trying to figure out what their "wives" said they'd say.

CARMINE  
I can't wait.


	9. Scene I

  
I

INT. THE "NEWLYWED GAME" SET, SOON AFTER.

AS WE RETURN, WE CAN SEE ALL FOUR COUPLES, BEFORE WE SWITCH TO BOB EUBANKS. 

BOB  
Thank you, Johnny. Moving into our ten-point round, Husbands, between the two of you, who follows whom around the house more? We'll start with And— Squiggy.

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Well, I'll tell you, Bob. Shirley is an old-fashioned woman in some ways, so she follows me more. Specially when she's naggin'.

SHIRLEY HITS HIM WITH HER CARD THAT SAYS "HIM."

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)  
Or when she's tryin' to hit me. (VOICEOVER AS CAMERA QUICKLY PANS STAGE RIGHT, SHOWING LENNY TRYING TO STOP SHIRLEY, LAVERNE ROLLING HER EYES LIKE SHE'S SEEN THIS BEFORE, AND THE OTHER TWO COUPLES REACTING) Ow! Restain yourself, Woman!

BOB (V.O. AS CAMERA SETTLES ON THE SULLIVANS)  
Uh, Floyd, how do you think Florence answered this question?

FLOYD  
I'm with the weird little fella at the end. The wife follows me around. Like when I'm trying to watch the ball game.

FLORENCE SMILES AS SHE SHOWS HER "HER" CARD. THEY SMOOCH. 

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) You're in the lead at the moment, but let's see how Autumn answers this question.

AUTUMN  
(IN SERENITY TWO-SHOT) She follows me, ever since she first held my harmonica.

SUMMER NODS SHEEPISHLY AND SHOWS HER "HER" CARD, THEN AUTUMN KISSES HER CHEEK.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Somehow I think everyone knows the answer to this one, but, Lenny?

LENNY  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT, AS IF IT'S THE STORY OF HIS LIFE) I follow her.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
(AS LAVERNE SHOWS HER "HIM" CARD AND LENNY GIVES HER A BIG HUG) Like a puppy.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) The Kosnowskis are maintaining their lead as we move into the next question. Fellas, how would you complete this sentence, "I would most like to see my wife complete a course in..."? Lenny, we'll start with you.

LENNY  
(FROWNING IN A TWO-SHOT WITH LAVERNE) Darn, and I was on a streak! Um, can I get multiple choices?

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Sorry, no one else got that and the wives' cards are already filled out.

LENNY  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) Well, I guess a course in driving. She's a terrible driver.

LAVERNE POUTS AS SHE SHOWS HER "COOKING" CARD.

LENNY (CONT'D)  
But, My Darling, you're an amazing cook!

LAVERNE  
(TOUCHED BUT KNOWING BETTER) Oh, Len.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Um, Squiggy, how would you complete that sentence?

SQUIGGY  
(SHAKING HIS HEAD IN TWO-SHOT AS SHIRLEY GLARES AT HIM) Where to begin? She probably most needs a course in drinking, 'cause she's always been a real cheap date. Not that I'm complaining exactly.

SHIRLEY  
(LOOKING LIKE SHE WANTS TO HIT HIM WITH THE CARD SAYING "SPANISH" AND LAPSING INTO HERSELF) You idiot, we live in California and we were planning a vacation in Mexico!

BOB (V.O.)  
(CONFUSED) Um, are you all right?

SHIRLEY  
(RETURNING TO "RHONDA") Sorry, Shirley isn't feeling herself today. Please continue, Bob.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Thank you. Um, Floyd, what do you think Florence needs to complete a course in?

FLOYD  
(WITH SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) I'm gonna have to go with cooking.

LAVERNE (V.O.)  
(MUTTERING) Great, now I'm matching the old guy.

FLORENCE  
(SHOWING HER CARD MATCHES) No one marries me for my cooking.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Good job, that's the first time someone's matched two of the wives.

FLOYD  
Not the first time for me.

FLORENCE ROLLS HER EYES. CUT TO BOB REACTING AND THEN DECIDING TO CARRY ON.

BOB  
Autumn, I can't wait to hear your answer.

AUTUMN  
(IN SERENITY TWO-SHOT) This is a hard one.

SUMMER LOOKS INSULTED.

AUTUMN (CONT'D)  
I mean because you have so much natural curiosity about life, Baby. (AS SHE LOOKS SOMEWHAT MOLLIFIED) I guess I'd like to see you complete a course in Eastern Religion.

SUMMER  
I don't dig. I know a lot about Eastern religions.

AUTUMN  
Yeah, but you're self-taught. You might want to hear what the professors have to say.

SUMMER  
Professors are just tools of the Establishment. I learn from life.

BOB (V.O.)  
Let's move on.

LENNY (V.O.)  
Hey, Lady, show your card.

SHIRLEY (V.O.)  
Don't interfere, Leonard.

LAVERNE (V.O.)  
She said flower-arranging.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Only Floyd and Florence got that question right.

FLOYD (V.O.)  
Do I get extra points for matching the girl with the L's?

BOB  
Sorry, no. But you're now in the lead, with 30 points. However, even the Squiggmans could still win the game.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
What do you mean "even the Squiggmans"?

BOB  
Well, you are in last place.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
The night is young and so are we.

BOB  
Uh, yes. OK, next question. Gentlemen, if your mirror could speak, what would it say? Autumn, we'll start with you.

AUTUMN  
(IN SERENITY TWO-SHOT) It would say, "Come with me, Autumn Serenity, to the looking-glass world, where you'll meet Alice and the Caterpillar and all their friends."

SUMMER SQUEALS AND SHOWS THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HER CARD SAYS. SHE AND AUTUMN HUG AND KISS.

BOB  
(SHAKING HIS HEAD IN CLOSE-UP) Somehow you're now tied for the lead. Um, Lenny, what would your mirror say?

LENNY  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) I don't understand. I can see a horse talkin' 'cause it's got a mouth, and a car has a hood, but where's the sound comin' out of the mirror?

BOB (V.O.)  
It's a magic mirror.

LENNY  
Oh, OK. Then I think it would say, "Hello, Lenny, I'm your magic mirror. Don't be scared."

LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD AND SHOWS HER CARD.

LENNY (CONT'D)  
(READING ALOUD) "Nice jacket." Thank you.

LAVERNE  
(SIGHING WEARILY) You're welcome.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) And, Squiggy, what would your mirror say?

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Well, I assume it's a truthsome mirror, so it would say, "What a handsome hunk of manhood."

SHIRLEY SHOWS THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HER CARD SAYS AND SHE ALLOWS HIM TO KISS HER CHEEK. 

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Well, the Squiggmans are catching up.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
I told you.

BOB  
You're still in last place but gaining.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
Be patient, Bob.

BOB  
I'll try. Floyd, what would your mirror say to you?

FLOYD  
(WITH SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) I think it would say, "One of us is cracked and I think it's you." 

HE CHUCKLES. FLORENCE SHOWS HER CARD SAYING "YOU SILVER FOX."

FLOYD (CONT'D)  
(CHUCKLING AGAIN) That works, too.

THEY KISS DESPITE NOT GETTING THAT QUESTION RIGHT.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) And our last ten-point question is, Gentlemen, where is the strangest place you personally have ever wanted to make whoopie? Floyd, we'll start with you.

FLOYD  
(CHUCKLING AGAIN IN SULLIVAN TWO-SHOT) Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

BOB (V.O.)  
Well, that's what I call it.

FLOYD  
Compared to me, Bob, you're a kid. Strangest place, huh? I guess I would have to say in a speakeasy.

FLORENCE  
(SHOWING HER "THE BEACH" CARD) No, that was your first wife, Mavis.

FLOYD  
Sorry, Ethel. (AS SHE ROLLS HER EYES) Florence, Florence!

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Autumn, how would you answer the question?

AUTUMN  
(IN SERENITY TWO-SHOT) Bob, my generation doesn't have these hang-ups about [bleep]. When we [bleep], it's an expression of love and there's nothing strange about it.

CUT TO BOB STRUCK WORDLESS. 

AUTUMN  
(IN SERENITY TWO-SHOT) But since we're here, playing by your rules, I'll say that the strangest place was in a field of flowers.

SUMMER  
But, Baby, that was a beautiful day.

AUTUMN  
I know, but Bob Eubanks probably thinks it's strange.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) To be honest, not as strange as I was expecting.

LENNY (V.O.)  
Hey, Lady, you forgot to show us your card again!

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
Yeah, show us your card!

A SHOT OF ALL THE COUPLES, WITH THE SULLIVANS SHAKING THEIR HEADS AT THE ANTICS OF THE YOUNG FOLKS, SUMMER PASSING HER CARD DOWN TO LENNY, AND SQUIGGY LEANING OVER AN ANNOYED SHIRLEY TO SEE. 

SQUIGGY  
(AS HE STOPS LEANING) That is strange.

LENNY  
Yeah. (SOTTO TO LAVERNE) What's "makin' whoopie"?

LAVERNE  
(SOTTO TO LENNY) Voe-dee-oh-doe.

LENNY  
Oh! Is it my turn to answer?

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Uh, yes.

LENNY  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) Then I would definitely have to say Moose Jaw.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) You wanted to make whoopie in the jaw of a moose?

LENNY  
(IN KOSNOWSKI TWO-SHOT) No, Bob, Moose Jaw, Canada. (SHAKING HIS HEAD) The Canadians are a strange but proud people.

LAVERNE SHOWS HER CARD SAYING "IN THE BACK OF A PICK-UP TRUCK." LENNY READS IT SILENTLY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AGAIN.

LENNY (CONT'D)  
That wasn't me. That was Moose Crenshaw. I don't know if his jaw was involved.

LAVERNE LOOKS EMBARRASSED. CUT BACK TO BOB REACTING. 

BOB  
Um, Squiggy, where is the strangest place you've ever wanted to make whoopie?

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) In the boat, Bob.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Uh, did you say "boat"?

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Yeah, you know, a swan-boat.

SHIRLEY SLUMPS IN HER SEAT AND COVERS HER FACE IN EMBARRASSMENT.

LENNY (V.O.)  
Can I change my answer?

BOB (V.O.)  
(FIRLMLY) No.

PAN OUT TO SHOW BOTH "THE KOSNOWSKIS" AND "THE SQUIGGMANS," WITH LAVERNE EVEN MORE EMBARRASSED NOW.

SQUIGGY  
Yeah, we had ourselves quite an amusing time at the amusement park, let me tell you.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) Um, some other time. None of the couples got that question right, so as we move on to the 35-point bonus question, the Sullivans and the Serenitys are tied at 30 points. The Kosnowskis have 25 points, and the Squiggmans have 20, but it's still anybody's game.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
As a talent agent, let me give you some advice, Mr. Fairbanks.

BOB  
It's "Eu."

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) No, I think it's you. You need to serially rethink your scoring system.

BOB  
(IN CLOSE-UP) I'll take that under advisement, thank you.

SQUIGGY (V.O.)  
You're welcome.

BOB  
OK, Fellas, this is a multiple-choice question with only two answers.

LENNY (V.O.)  
Yay!

BOB  
Which do you, the husband, like more, hot dogs or hamburgers? We'll start with you, Squiggy.

SQUIGGY  
(IN SQUIGGMAN TWO-SHOT) Like my blushing bride, I enjoy a good weenie.

SHIRLEY STARTS CHOKING HIM. THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.

END OF ACT TWO


	10. Scene J

  
TAG

  
J

INT. THE GIRLS' APARTMENT AN HOUR LATER.

CARMINE AND RHONDA ARE TALKING INAUDIBLY. THE BOWL OF SOUP IS FINISHED AND SITTING ON THE COFFEE TABLE. SHIRLEY, STILL COSTUMED AS RHONDA, ENTERS, SLAMS THE DOOR, AND THROWS HER WIG AT RHONDA.

SHIRLEY  
Thank you both for one of the worst nights of my life!

RHONDA  
(DEFENSIVELY) Rhonda was feverish and didn't know what she was saying.

CARMINE  
Hey, I would've stopped you if I'd known in time.

SHIRLEY STARTS CRYING. CARMINE HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS AND SHE CUDDLES UP TO HIM ON THE ARMCHAIR.

CARMINE  
(STROKING HER HAIR) It's OK, Angel Face, it's over. (TO RHONDA) Am-scray, will ya?

RHONDA  
(STANDING UP AND TAKING THE TISSUE BOX) Rhonda should probably be in bed tonight. Well.... (SHE SNEEZES.)

SHIRLEY  
Goodnight, Rhonda.

RHONDA  
Oh, and don't feel too badly, Shirley. You did your best as Rhonda tonight.

SHIRLEY SHUDDERS. RHONDA SHRUGS AND EXITS.

CARMINE  
(TEASING) You have to admit, Bob Eubanks has probably never seen a bigger pair of boobs.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY BURST IN, OF COURSE.

SQUIGGY  
(ANGRILY) Hello!

**{S & P Note: PLEASE REWRITE THE CUE!!!}**

SQUIGGY STALKS OVER TO THE ARMCHAIR AND POINTS AT SHIRLEY.

SQUIGGY (CONT'D)  
Woman, consider yourself divorced! And, you, Sir, are the foreign correspondent!

HE STALKS OUT. LENNY COMES OVER TO THE ARMCHAIR.

LENNY  
Hey, Shirl, can I have your Rice & Roni?

SHIRLEY  
Allow me some consolation, Leonard, since Laverne is letting you have the stereo system that you two won.

CARMINE  
(VERY SURPRISED) Wait, they actually won?

LENNY  
The Missus knows my tastes, specially in burgers.

HE BITES HIS HAND. SHIRLEY LOOKS DISGUSTED. 

LAVERNE (O.S.)  
(YELLING FROM THE BOYS' APARTMENT) Hey, Len, help me hook it up!

LENNY  
Be right there, Laverne!

HE RUNS OUT. CARMINE AND SHIRLEY GIVE EACH OTHER "ARE THEY...?"/ "NAH!" LOOKS. THEN SHIRLEY RESTS HER HEAD ON CARMINE'S SHOULDER.

SHIRLEY  
You know, Carmine, now that everyone's gone, we could still have a date night.

CARMINE  
I'll get the candles.

SHIRLEY  
I'll get the bottle of wine.

"PSYCHOTIC REACTION" STARTS BLASTING FROM OFFSCREEN.

**{Editor's note: This was replaced with generic mid-'60s rock music on the DVD.}**

CARMINE/SHIRLEY  
Soft music.

THEY KISS AND DON'T BOTHER TO GET OUT OF THE CHAIR. FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE


End file.
